I'm not over my miscarriage. I don't know what I expected or how I thought I would feel. I actually thought for a while that I was doing ok. To be honest I am doing ok most days. I have more good days then bad days. It actually tends to hit me when I least expect it. I feel like the closer we get to October the worse I will handle it. I thought time would make it easier but in this case it seems to be getting worse as what would have been my due date approaches. My head is filled with all the things we missed out on. On my growing belly and baby kicks. How we planned to decorate the babies room and planned to have the birth in Canada. Sometimes those conversations come up and it's like no one else realizes my heart just cracked a little more. My husband talks about redecorating his office and all I think is I was going to paint this room teal and turn it into a nursery. I know it's not his fault and he has no idea what I'm thinking or feeling. He has no idea that to me it feels like our baby is being erased and forgotten about. I feel like I'm the only one who remembers what is was supposed to be. I feel like I should already be over it and stop talking about it. It makes people uncomfortable and they don't know what to say. I can't be over it and I can't forget. For me not talking about it is like pretending it didn't happen. I can't pretend that this little baby didn't exist and that we weren't excited, however it still makes it hard to move on. It still makes it hard not to think about what we would be doing right now to prepare for a new baby. I'm not sure I was fully prepared for how I would feel.
I honestly feel like I threw myself hard into fitness to cope. I was working out before I got pregnant and was trying to workout during pregnancy between bouts of nausea and dizziness. After I loss the baby 2 weeks later I threw myself hardcore into fitness. I was running, walking, biking and weights everyday. I needed my mind to be on something else. I threw myself into it harder then I was before and my life was consumed by it. I don't know if it was the right thing to do but it's what I did. I thought it was working, so I guess that's why I thought I was "over it." It's only over the last few weeks that I've started to realize just how not "over it" I am. It's like I suppressed my grief. Things have slowed down since my return home from Canada. I am surrounded by my own things and my own what could have beens.
I find myself hearing about other women who are pregnant and my reaction is a twinge of pain. I hate that I feel this way. It's not that I'm not excited for the family that is about to have a new baby but for a quick instant my first thought is that was supposed to be us. The joy I feel for someone else is just for a quick instant over shadowed by my own pain.
I just wish I knew what the answer was. I wish I knew if I was doing it right and going through the right steps.
I know there will be a time when things are easier and that I have to give myself grace. Right now it just feels like a really lonely and strange roller coaster with lots of ups and downs. I've come to realize I won't ever be truly"over it." If I talk about it in front of you please just be gracious and listen. It's not really about you needing to comment it's more about me healing and feeling like someone is listening. It's more about me not wanting to forget about my little baby. It might be uncomfortable for you but holding it in all the time to make others feel comfortable is exhausting. Holding it in feels lonely, and no one wants to feel lonely when their heart is hurting. I don't want to ever feel like I'm not allowed to talk about it. No amount of time is going to pass where I'll be "over it" and have moved on. Time will pass and things will be easier but I don't ever want to forget and pretend it didn't happen. It's not the way I'm built. I can't sweep it under the rug or hid it in the back of my closet. I need to feel free to express it. I don't know if I'm the only one who feels this way but maybe if you know someone who has had a miscarriage you should check in on them. Don't push or pry but just let them know that you are always there to listen no matter how much time has past. I guarantee they probably aren't "over it" and they shouldn't be expected to be either.