I Was Pregnant...Now I'm 1 in 4

*** This post is about miscarriage and pregnancy loss, if you are triggered by that then please don't read***

On February 7th Marcus and I found out that we were having our third child. We were in extreme shock as this wasn't planned. I didn't even have any feeling that I was possibly pregnant and I was just routinely testing. Needless to say we were shocked but also excited. I called my OBGYN that same day to set up an appointment. Figuring that I was around 4 weeks they wanted to wait until I was 6 weeks for my appointment. I went for the appointment and after all the normal first prenatal visit questions they went to do an ultrasound to confirm pregnancy and due date. The doctor was unable to see anything other then an empty gestational sac. She told me she wanted me to come back in 2 weeks, 8 weeks gestation, for a repeat ultrasound. She wanted to make sure the pregnancy was viable and that it wasn't ectopic. She also wanted bloodwork done to check my pregnancy hormone levels and she wanted me to come back again 2 days later to repeat the bloodwork to make sure my levels were increasing. I left that appointment completely stressed, and cried all the way home. I was incredibly worried. They called me the next day with my bloodwork results and said that everything seemed good and my levels seemed to be in the right range. It gave me a bit of relief but I was still concerned. I went for the repeat blood work and the doctor called with the results and said that my levels had doubled which was a great sign.

Finally my ultrasound appointment rolls around but now I'm excited thinking I will finally get to see the baby and possibly see the heartbeat. The doctor goes to do the ultrasound and again finds nothing but any empty gestational sac. She tells me that this isn't normal for an 8 week pregnancy, but it could still be that the dating is wrong and maybe I'm just not far enough along. She switches to an abdominal ultrasound and was finally able to see a yoke sac. To which she informed me was good because it meant the pregnancy was in the uterus and not ectopic, but she still wasn't able to see a baby. She wanted to schedule me for another ultrasound as soon as possible in the radiology department for clearer scans. I was pretty scared at this point. I had never had any issue in either of the my other pregnancies with ultrasounds. But I was slightly optimistic that the dating was just wrong because I have very longer cycles.

I only had to wait a few days for my appointment and this time I made Marcus come with me. Being alone for the first 2 appointments was very hard and stressful. I wanted his support incase we got bad news. The ultrasound was nothing like I had done before. The tech was friendly but very let's get to business. I couldn't see the screen at all as she took a bunch of pictures and measurements. She did at one point say that everything looks pretty tiny but that she could see the yoke sack and the fetal pole. I asked her if I could see and she tilted the screen. I still could see great because of the angle of the screen. She said everything looked good on her end just that I was measuring closer to 6 or 7 weeks not 9 weeks. I was relieved when we left but still slightly guarded because we had to wait for the doctor to review the results. The doctor called the next day and said that everything looked great and that it turned out I was almost 2 weeks off on the dating. That it looked like I was 7 weeks pregnant and not 9 weeks. She said that the technician was able to find a heartbeat and that the heart rate was 148. She told me that I didn't really need to be seen again until after my 12 ultrasound scan. We went ahead and scheduled that appointment April 20th.

At this point we had already told the kids, and the majority of our immediate family and friends knew. Although we hadn't formally announced it yet to the entire world. I felt like a weight had lifted, and knowing that the baby had a heart beat made me confident that everything was good. I finally felt like I could breathe and that everything was going to be ok. The kids and I were supposed to come to Canada for a couple weeks and with finally feeling at peace with everything we went ahead with our plans. We got to Canada on March 17th. Obviously with everything going on with Covid-19 we were in self quarantine for 14 day. As the situation got increasing worse I decided to make an appointment with my old family doctor to set up a routine prenatal check-up. I knew that if things continued to get worse I would eventually need prenatal care if we aren't able to make it home when we intended too.

On March 26th as I was getting ready for bed I went to use the bathroom and I noticed I was spotting. I was immediately terrified. I tried to be calm and not think the worst because I had gone through something similar in the first trimester with Littlebean. I was very concerned but decided the best thing I could do was monitor it and try to rest. The next morning everything was the same no pain or anything but still spotting. I decided to call the family doctor. She told me to wait it out and if it gets worse to go to the emergency room. They wouldn't see me at the clinic because I still had 3 days left on my 14 day quarantine, so my only option was the emergency room. I rested all that day but by dinner time the bleeding had increased enough that I decided I wanted to go get checked.

It was a horrible feeling of fear not knowing what to expect when deciding to go to the emergency room during a pandemic. I felt like I was trapped and unsure if I was making the right decision. I wanted to be sure that everything was fine with the baby, but also fearful that if everything was fine I could possibly be exposing myself to this disease. I called a couple different urgent cares and emergency rooms to help gage my options. I knew if we went to the bigger city's urgent care or emergency that it was bound to worse on wait time and with possible Covid-19 cases. I decided the best place was a hospital in the country. My Dad drove me and dropped me off at the door. I went in knowing that I would have to go alone because no one would be allowed to come with me. I had brought my own surgical mask to wear since I didn't know what to expect. As soon as I entered there was a lady sitting behind glass all covered up in personal protective gear. She was screening everyone who walked in. She asked me if I had travelled recently and I said yes, but I am almost done my 14 day quarantine and I don't have any symptoms. She said ok and told me to sanitize my hands and gave me gloves to wear with my mask. I didn't wait very long in the waiting room as I was the only one there. They treated me like a droplet patient but they took me right back. The doctor asked a bunch of questions and I gave her the whole history and all of the scares and everything I had in the beginning with the ultrasounds and determining the correct due date. She thought the best course of action was to check my pregnancy hormone levels, do an vaginal exam, and schedule me for an emergency ultrasound and repeat bloodwork. After the exam she said my cervix was closed and my hormone levels looked good and consistent with me being 9 weeks. I was sent home to return the next morning for my emergency ultrasound.

I felt great the next morning but I was still bleeding. It hadn't increased and I didn't have any pain. My sister and the boys came with me to the hospital. The appointment was made so I figured I'd be in and out while they waiting the in the car. Again I had to wear a mask and gloves as they treated me like a droplet patient. The ultrasound tech kept the screen tilted so I couldn't see anything. She took a ton of pictures and after a few minutes I said if there is anything good can I see. She said just let me finish getting all these measurements and then I'll go over it with you. It felt like forever as I laid there waiting. She finally said she was done. She cleaned everything and replaced the ultrasound wand back in it's holder. I knew right away it wasn't good because she would have showed me if it was good news. She said "I wasn't able to find a heartbeat and it looks like the baby stopped growing. It seems that you must have miscarried shortly after your last ultrasound."I was in shock but I also kind of knew. I didn't react I just kind of sat there. I could see on her face how worried she was for me. She said she wanted to hug me but she couldn't because of the droplet patient protocol. I started to cry and she said she would give me a minute and be back after asking what a doctor what next steps were. I changed and sat there crying and praying for God to look after my baby in heaven. The technician came back and said she thought I should go right back into the emergency department to be seen so the doctor could tell me the next steps.

I went back out and into the the reception at the emergency department. I told the woman at reception why I was there and that the ultrasound technician had said I need to see a doctor, and she directed me to wait in the waiting room. I sat down in the waiting area where all the chairs are 6 feet apart. I still had tears streaming down my face when I realized I needed to call Marcus and tell him. He answered the phone and asked me how it went. Through my sobs I was able to choke out "The baby has no heartbeat and it stopped growing."I told him I was waiting in emergency again to see a doctor to find out what happens next. I told him not to worry because I would be ok and that I was strong. The nurse came and got me rather quickly and put me in a droplet patient room. The room was completely empty. She asked me what was going on and I relayed everything to her. She took my vitals as I cried. She apologized and said "I'm sorry your going through this and even more sorry that your going through this alone. I wish I could hug you." She offered to call someone for me and I said no because it wouldn't make a difference since no one was able to actually be with me physically while I waited. She left the room and I was left to wait for the doctor. I made a call to my parents because I knew they were heading to an appointment for my mother and I wanted to catch them before they left. I called Marcus back and talked to him for a bit. Nearly an hour past and my sister kept texting from the parking lot asking if I was almost done. I didn't want to call her and have her be upset while she was alone with the kids in the car. I paced the room, waited and cried some more. I just wanted to get out of there and go home. I finally stuck my head out of the room and asked a nearby nurse how much longer the doctor was going to be. She was extremely rude and basically said that it was the emergency department and I could have just gone to my family doctor if I didn't want to wait. I said I was just wondering because it wasn't my original plan to come to the emergency room and my kids are waiting the car. My nurse spoke to her from the nurses station and while I couldn't hear exactly what she said the nurse who had been so rude softened her tone. She told me that the doctor should be done soon and I really should wait to see him. I said ok and shut the door. Probably 20 minutes later the doctor came in. He went over everything and said it seems that you lost the pregnancy shortly after your last ultrasound and your body is just starting to miscarriage now. He told me my options but suggested that since I was already bleeding there wasn't any need for intervention. He said they wanted to take some bloodwork to check my hormone levels and suggested that I stay until they get the results. I kind of broke down at that point and said I really didn't want to stay. I'd waiting long enough and I just wanted to get out of there, my kids were waiting the car and I just wanted to go home. He agreed that was fine and that they would call me later with the results. I walked out of the hospital know I was going to have to either keep it together long enough to drive all the way home or I was going to have to immediately tell the kids. I had already told my sister because she had text several times and even called wondering why I was taking so long.

I decided to tell the boys when I got to the car. I knew they would ask and I didn't think I could keep it together that long. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life to try and explain to a 7 and 6 year old that their baby sibling is now in heaven. They were so confused as to why God would let this happen after they had prayed so much. I told them that God always knows what's best and that our baby might have had health problems if it stayed with us here on earth so He decided to keep it in heaven. That way our baby would be healthy and He would love him or her until we get to meet one day in heaven. I told them that we have lots of family in heaven that will look after the baby for us. They were sad but they were also very sweet.

That night when I got home the heavy cramping started. It was pretty painful and lasted about 24 hours. As weird as it sounds I didn't want to take anything for the pain. I used a heating pad and just laid around all day. I wanted to feel the pain of the loss, it was somewhat cathartic for me. It was like I needed to feel it to let go. Thankfully after 24 hours everything was over. I scheduled a follow up appointment with my family doctor and have had to do several blood test since. I have been doing alright, I'm definitely stronger then I realized. The pain of losing a child and the promise of what could have been is hard. It comes in waves, most days are good though. The kids have brought it up several times about how sad they are that they won't have a brother or sister. I continue to talk with them about it and let them know it's ok to be sad. I had such a strong feeling that the baby was a girl and we had already started picking out names. Littlebean had picked the name Lacey so that is what we call her. I know God has a plan for our family, even if I don't understand why He kept my Lacey. He has comforted me through it all and given me peace. I know in my spirit that He will bless us with a rainbow baby when the time is right.

I know these types of posts aren't for everyone. I'm not sharing it for sympathy but for awareness and my own personal healing. So many women have suffered from pregnancy loss and so many go through it completely alone. The first trimester is a lonely time when you haven't told your friends or family about your pregnancy yet. When you end up having a miscarriage it can be even more lonely when you have no one close to you to confide in. Things can get very dark and can lead to depression. I was lucky to have multiple friends and family members reach out and confide in me that they too have had a miscarriage. This isn't a club you want to be in but I was glad I had people around me that have been through it to help guide me through it. I am so very thankful for my support system and all the love that has been shown to me during this time. I pray for anyone who has been through this that you find the comfort and the peace that you need, and if you ever need someone to talk to feel free to reach out.