You would think finding out I was pregnant again that my first reaction would be excitement and joy. It wasn't, my miscarriage stole that from me, and if I'm being honestly it still steals my joy somedays. My mind was full of fear, and I even struggled with my faith. I prayed so hard during my last pregnancy and I still lost the baby. I knew in my heart and my spirit that getting pregnant again was a blessing, that this baby was a blessing. I still was stuck in this place of fear in my mind where I wasn't ready to trust Him with it just yet. I couldn't bring myself to thank Him for this blessing and pray for this baby. I was to scared to trust Him with it, I was scared if allowed God into this and something terrible happened that my faith would be broken forever.
I found out I was pregnant a couple days before my missed period, so it was very early. We kept it to ourselves and to be honest I needed to pretend it wasn't happening or it would consume me. My fear would consume me. Don't get me wrong I took my vitamins and wasn't reckless but in my mind I needed to pretend I wasn't pregnant. We went on vacation and I promised myself once we got back I would finally call and make my first prenatal visit. I didn't want to go to the doctor. I knew what to expect, and I knew that they would do an ultrasound at that first visit to check for a fetal heartrate and make sure everything was good. All I could think was the last time I had an ultrasound I was alone and the technician told me my baby no longer had a heartbeat. I knew because of Covid I would have to go to this appointment alone and I just didn't want to do it, so I waited. I waited 9 weeks before I went to the doctor. I tired so hard to keep it together at my appointment, but I was terrified and my blood pressure proved it.
As the doctor went to preform the ultrasound and I held my breath until I saw that little heartbeat flicker on the screen. I was relieved, but we've been here before. My last baby had a heartbeat. Well it made me feel a little better it didn't remove my fear. I thought if I can just make it to the second trimester then I'll be good, I wouldn't be scared anymore. The weeks past and we decided to go ahead and tell our family, but we wanted to wait to tell the kids. They were so heartbroken the last time and I didn't want them to worry. I was worrying enough for all of us. We did eventually decide to tell the kids a little earlier then expected. There was this excitement for what could be mixed into the fear. The kids were excited but they are also apprehensive. Littlebean even went as far as telling me he didn't want me to go to the doctor incase they told me the baby died again. I was heartbreaking for all of us and very difficult to navigate while trying to be strong for them but also terrified myself. The more appointments I went to the calmer they became. Jellybean even told me one morning that this baby has made it a long time and I bet God will let us keep this one.
I'm half way through my pregnancy now, and I wish I could say I'm not scared anymore but that would be a lie. I am happy and excited, but I still worry. I still relive my miscarriage. I don't think that fear will ever fully go away until I'm holding my baby in my arms. I have more days that are filled with joy then days that are filled with fear. I am thankful for every little kick I feel as I type this. but that fear lays just under the surface. I kept telling everyone that I would finally start buying stuff for the baby once we know the gender. We found out the gender this week and are overjoyed that we are having a little girl. I made a registry weeks ago and recently added cute little dresses, pink things with ruffles, and headbands. I still can't bring myself to make a purchase yet. That fear under the surface makes me pause. With every passing day, week, and month I have a little more hope and a little more trust that she will be ours to keep. I've slowly been able to allow God into this pregnancy and thank Him for this beautiful baby girl. My heart and my spirit know that this baby is a gift. I may not understand why our last baby was taken to heaven instead of being here with us on earth, but I know in my heart that God gave us this baby to help us through our grief. She is our rainbow after the storm, she is our promise.